Saturday, May 3, 2008

The Cat in the Hat gets a Wax

I just had the most gruesome experience in my entire hair-removal career.

This Saturday afternoon, I decided to forestall my Bed, Bath & Beyond exchanges and take care of some serious hair growth. I hadn't shaved my legs for a week, so I thought it would be a prime time to whip out that SurgiWax I bought on clearance for $3.19 a few months ago at the end of bikini season. I'm no stranger to the waxing world. Usually in the summer I'll wax a few random strips off my legs until I get bored or the pain overwhelms me, and it helps cut down on how much hair grows back and gives me a somewhat smoother shave. With at-home wax, it's kind of hard to do a thorough job, but it's a really good complement to shaving.

I open the box, skim over the instructions, and crack open the lid. The foil cover that's under the lid has peeled off and curled up in a smile, but the wax looks ok so I heat it up for the suggested minute. It's still as hard as a rock, so I give it another minute. It's kind of clumpy but I stir it up and it seems to dissolve into the same consistency.

I look at the instructions - hmm, it seems like I just use this mini wooden paddle (the kind you eat ice cream with when you're a kid) to smooth on the wax, let it get hard a bit, and peel it off with my fingertips. I can do that!

I try a bit on my leg first. It gets some hair off, although it does seem like there's lots of mini tacky bits (kind of like chewing gum, but taffier) left on my leg. No matter. I do a bit on my high upper left leg. Again, it doesn't really seem to come off. Man, I just did my nails this morning. There's green gunk all over my hands. I do one strip on my hamstring. Yuck. This doesn't work either. I think I only got three hair follicles, and there's green gunk stuck all over my leg. Oh well - this all dissolves off in the shower. Thank God.

I'm not one to give up easily, so I decide to do one last strip, the quote unquote bikini line, where if someone looks straight at you they'll see hair unless you're shaved. This does not work at all. The wax is a little colder now, and it hurts, and is already starting to look red. Shit, maybe I'll just go return my sheets to Bed Bath & Beyond now and deal with this later. But no - I don't want to get my jeans and underwear sticky. And I pulled my back two days ago, and I'm literally walking like Quasimodal and FUCK I need more advil RIGHT NOW. Ok. Hot water will help my back pain, and the wax will wash right off in the shower.

I get in the shower, and discover that is not the case. It's only melting this green salt water taffy substance even more. I have green gook all over my hands, and this green gook is in turn covered in hair. I'm like the Edward Scissorhands of waxing. Wait, don't you use ice cubes to get sticky stuff out? Yes! I get out of the shower, and hear a squishing noise. I flooded the bathroom. I keep on doing that with our new shower liner. Alex is going to kill me. I hobble to the refrigerator, clutching my back, and get an ice cube, attempting to harden the wax and get it off the various places it's stuck all over my body. This works slightly, but I still have green wax all over me. I also realize I broke my blood vessels, as the instruction pamphlet warned. I have a giant hickey next to my pubes. I have a date tonight. If it gets that far, I'm now going to have to explain my waxing disaster, as well as the green plasticine clumps clinging to my remaining hair, lest he think I have sores or another relationship with a bikini line biter. Oh God. Why did I do this!?

Shaving! Shaving is the answer. I've already tried to run a pumice stone all over the stuck-on wax, but maybe I can just shave everything off. Hmm, this seems to be working well. Look at all the hair stuck to my razor. Wait. Now nothing is shaving off. The gunky hair has clogged my razor. I try using a scissors to get rid of the hair, I try using the showerhead. I go over my legs again, then feel them. Hair. A week's worth. Shit. I hop out of the shower again, wade through the flooded bathroom that has my male roommate's black pubes and chest hair floating everywhere, and search for another razor. I get back in. I try again. At some point I shampoo my hair and condition. I rub more and more soap over my body in vain. I get out of the shower again. I certainly hope my roommates aren't home because I'm dripping water everywhere and one hundred percent naked. I grab another razor (#3). I try shaving my legs. Ok, hair coming off. Avoiding green gunky areas. I've been in the shower for a good half hour now. Ow, my back. my back. There's green gunk stuck all over the tub. I have green peas of wax all over the ledge. My hair, my roommate's hair, is stuck everywhere. Like the cat in the hat, I have turned everything and everything, everywhere, pink with my mess. Oh lord. And my date. Well, I shouldn't hook up with him anyway. It's a sign. But maybe if he accepted a girl with green wax all over her and red inflamed hairs and hickey-sores? No, that just means he's desperate. Argh.

So now I'm laying on my back, barely able to move because of the back pain, with random green sticky spots all over my body. And four random patches of red bumps where I attempted to wax. And one giant clump of broken blood vessels in a hickey-like formation. I'm SUCH a lucky girl. I'm never buying wax on clearance again. In fact, I think I may bite the bullet and let a stranger get down there and outsource my genital grooming. Because oh my lord, there is absolutely no way anything can be worse than this.


Laura said...

You know, Sarah, it's about time you were burned by bargain shopping.

That's all I'm gonna say, other than the fact that I laughed out loud like 15 times throughout your post. THANKS! :)

Anna said...

I am now queasy and have that awful running feeling down my spine. Thanks, Sarah, I'm really glad I just read that. I've totally been there, though. Seriously. Also, as Jess reminded me, I tried to make Evelyn give me a bikini wax and when she refused I made Asa do it. That's what I call a trooper.